Stick It On The Roses…

For those of you that don’t yet know, I’ve started another Kickstarter campaign HERE

At the moment it doesn’t look like it’s going to get anywhere near the funding I need. To be honest it was a bit of an experiment and if it doesn’t get funded then I’ll release all the parts separately anyway. It’s an experiment and all experiments are allowed to fail. 🙂

I’ve written 3 books. Short books full of lyrics and poems and sometimes pictures. They are called:

  1. Somewhere Between The Horror And The Love (finished, printed but not released yet)
  2. Run It Through Your Horse And Stick It On The Roses (OUT NOW PEEPS!!)
  3. Lonely As An Anchor Fallen Of Its Chain (being written, not yet quite finished)

I’m not sure people are going to be interested and it’s something new, albeit something I’ve always done, writing lyrics and poetry. I have to admit that people are probably more into my music than my words. It’s difficult starting something new when you rely so heavily on the people who are into what you have already done. Hence this email..pure salesmanshit.

Anyway, I have just put the second book, Run It Through Your Horse And Stick It On The Roses, out through Bandcamp at a price I can’t really make money from. Why you ask? Well, I’d just like people to give the books a chance so I’m practically giving one of them away. It’s yours for under a fiver and you get 3 downloads with it too. The books look and feel great and they are professionally manufactured and bound and they will make you chortle. Hopefully.

Please support a starving punk poet by clicking HERE to buy. It would make a great present. (I’m trying!)

Thanks! Here are a couple of poems for free:

Malcolm McDowell

When I get old I wanna look like Malcolm McDowell
I want a head of grey hair and an icy stare
I wanna look like death don’t mean a thing
Like an old and hard and lived in Sting

Without a double chin
Without a walking stick
Just an old grizzled geezer
With a straight up dick

When I get old I wanna look like Malcolm McDowell
I wanna be shovelling cocaine in by the trowel
I won’t have no cancer that’s testicular
Cause I’ll be fucking like Caligula
I’ll be a Droog with a big white phallus
I’ll be ice cold and cool
Just like Alex

When I get old I wanna look like Malcolm McDowell
From back end to front
Being a dude and acting the cunt

Gears Of War

You’re my fifth gear
When I’m going fast
You let me coast
You make me last

You’re my second gear
You get me going
You steady my nerve
Before slipping me into third

You’re my reverse
When I need it
You can get me out
Of a tight spot

When I need to go
You get me started
You help me steer
You’re my first fucking gear

Yes, you’re my first, my last, my second and third
My fourth and fifth and my reverse

And when my driving gets too brutal
It’s you that pops me into neutral

Notifications On

I went to see Underworld at the Ally Pally
It was ever so good

I got down the front and I moved and I danced
This time without Ecstasy and my Fitbit went crazy
40.000 steps…

My friend went to see Ed Sheeran at Glastonbury
Her Fitbit went crazy too, it kept telling her to move
It said: Go for a walk! Time for some steps!

She looked around and she was not alone
Then the Fitbit took on a life of its own…

It flashed and shook and beeped and said

‘Stop this now; time for bed’

I Went To Bed And Woke Up Dead

I Went To Bed And Woke Up Dead

In my dream I could hear me scream

“Oh no, I’m not ready yet!”

“Shut up” said Death

“You asked for this, now get out of bed”

It’s true what they say about when you dream your own death

There I lay fast asleep

With you beside me, snoring idly

Then Death came into my slumber

To carry me to that place down under

[By that I mean I was going to hell

My life had been deemed a failure

Death wasn’t taking me to Australia]


I grabbed my chest and heaved and grasped

“This is it, this must be it at last.”

My body dropped my soul took flight

And I drifted off towards the light

And there it was

The end of me

But please don’t worry

I was in a hurry

And I felt quite pleased

For I had

Motor Neurone Disease


I walk across town because I have to
Like so many others it seems, I have somewhere to go
I shut the world out because I choose to

Like so many others I see
With headphones, red and black and tiny little white leads

It’s early, they must be off to work

They pass me by and I pass them
I like to nod I like to smile to see if I get a reply
Some people nod while others look bemused
A woman with a pram, a man with a beard

One guy looks back with a view to a kill
While another smiles and looks quite chilled
A woman smiles back like she wants to invite me
A man looks up like he wants to fight me

I just go about my way
Smiling at them as I go
I don’t care, I’m not afraid
Today I dig this world I’m in
I’m listening to a bit of Aphex Twin

He’s banging this and banging that
And I’m walking around

Like a twat.


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