Last night, after mildly psychedelicizing myself and sitting down to listen to the extraordinarily good EXII album on my headphones, I got a shock when my son Charlie came into the front room with his phone in his hand furiously dialing 999 saying: “Someone is smashing Annie’s (my daughter Anneliese) car up outside!”
I jumped up and said: “Did you see it?”
“Yeah, all of it.”
He described the vandal to me and which direction he had gone in and I grabbed my coat and went looking. I got to the end of my road and there were two prostitutes there, both in fine fettle, obviously freshly cracked up and now honing in on me with maximum force. Normally it’s just a mild case of “You looking darling?” Not this time.
One of them ran across the street shouting “Oi, tall bloke, you wanna do me?”
I said: “No, I’m looking for a bloke with a white hoodie and black trousers. Have you seen anyone matching that description walk past here?”
“You can do us both” was her response. “You can do us both for the same price, we’re up for it, yeah?”
“No! I’m looking for someone, I’m looking for a bloke…”
I hadn’t finished what I was saying when she shouted to her mate: “He’s looking for a bloke, he wants a bloke!”
Then she looked at me and said: “That’s alright duck, I’m into girls meself, come and have a threesome.”
At this point I shouted that the reason I was standing there was because I was looking for the dickhead who had just smashed my daughters car. “Have you seen a guy with a white hoodie and black trousers!!!?” I shouted.
“Oh yeah, he was having a massive argument with his girlfriend right here. We told him to fuck off because we’re busy trying to work. He went down that street (pointing towards my daughters car) and then came back and ran up that one.” (pointing up the road we were on)
At that point a cop car raced up, stopped briefly then charged up the road. I walked up towards it and four coppers were surrounding a guy wearing a white hoodie and black trousers.
We spent the rest of the night entertaining the cops with laborious, write every single word down, eye-witness accounts etc. They nicked him and we are waiting to hear more.
In the meantime my poor daughter has to have her life interrupted by this pissed up drugged up fuckwit and spend her Sunday morning dealing with insurance companies etc. and reorganising her plans.
Stuff like this doesn’t happen very often. Ten / fifteen years ago it was bad around here, there was even an attempted murder right on our doorstep. Normally though, because of where we live and the constant police presence, it’s actually a really safe place to live. Unlike everyone else I know in Nottingham, we’ve only been burgled once in 22 years.
I was impressed with the police response and how quickly they got the guy. Things have really changed. In the old days no cop car would have come for two hours, if at all. Then when they did finally arrive, they told us they just didn’t have enough coppers to deal with everything and had to prioritise. Back then Nottingham was gun capital of Britain. Thankfully those days are over.
Anyway, not wanting to miss an opportunity, please pledge for the Kickstarter album. The campaign ends to day at 8PM and any help towards excess fees policies and higher insurance rates would help.
Click HERE or on Annie’s car to pledge.